i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
