And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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