I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
