My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize