oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
