I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
