A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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