Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
