have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
