come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
