My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
