I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
