Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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