Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
