Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
