After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
