remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
