im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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