Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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