that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
