Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
