He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
