... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
