You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
True strength comes from lack of pants
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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