Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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