I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
