i permit you to call me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
