The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My feet surprised me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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