I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
