that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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