I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
