I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
