did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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