I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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