Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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