My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
