I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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