The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize