I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
