he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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