yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
