in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
