He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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