i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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