I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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