Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
