I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
