I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
