i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
