dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
