why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
