The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
