When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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