Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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