I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
