He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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