So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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