It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
